Resilience and Grace

After a very slow November and December, work has picked up a little bit in January. I have two little projects I will be working on over the next couple months, an evaluation of the CHE program and adapting some materials to use in the child survival program. In addition to these, I also go out regularly with the child survival staff on their home visits or participate in other CHE team activities.

It is good to be part of the home visits even if I can’t contribute as much during the visit due to language barriers. It gives me a sense of what is happening and afterwards I try to share some of my knowledge about the issues that arise during the visit. For example, exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months is an important protective practice, yet studies show that only 2% of people practice this in the informal settlements in Nairobi. Through my observations, this seems to be accurate! A lot of the reasons for early cessation of breastfeeding could be addressed through good counseling and support. While some staff know that exclusive breastfeeding is good, they don’t seem to believe or try too hard to promote it when people stop very early. So I try to emphasize the benefits and provide information that might help in the counseling and support.

Some of the situations we see are so difficult; it is hard to know how to help. I thought I would share a few stories from recent home visits. As you pray for these specific households, you can pray for the many others in similar circumstances that we meet each day.

In one household, there are three teenage daughters. All three are now pregnant and in different trimesters. Only one of the three has finished secondary school. Mary*, who is in class 8, will likely be unable to finish the school year and take the big exams that all students in Kenya take after class 8. She seems to be struggling the most emotionally. Agnes* is the middle daughter; she hadn’t yet been to the clinic so my colleague was able to go with her to start her antenatal care. The oldest daughter, Sarah*, is due this month. The other day on our visit, one of the staff members came and shared the gospel; Mary and Agnes prayed to accept Christ. As we continue to follow up with this family, pray for their physical health as their pregnancies progress, for their emotional health as these are challenging circumstances for any teenager, and pray for their spiritual health, that Mary and Agnes would grow in their relationship with Christ and seek out fellowship and that Sarah would come to know the Lord.

Another woman, Ann*, recently gave birth to her fifth or sixth child. Currently, there is a doctor’s strike in Kenya. This has made it difficult to access care at the government health facilities. When she went into labor, Ann went to one of the government maternity centers. She was turned away; it is unclear exactly why, but it seems to be due to lack of space and health providers. She went home to her one room house and delivered there with the help of a neighbor. We have visited a couple times now. The baby still has a low weight. We encouraged Ann to breastfeed regularly and provided some counseling on good positioning and latching. We also encouraged her to go to the clinic so the baby could be checked and get immunizations; thankfully she was able to do that. Pray for Ann and her family as they live in difficult circumstances and pray for baby and mama to grow healthy and strong.

Finally, last week we visited a household where Jessica* had twin boys about six weeks ago. She did not know she was carrying twins, so was surprised at the delivery when the second one started coming. One of the twins was born larger than the other and feeds better now. She had started feeding the babies porridge and pumpkin already, so my colleague encouraged breastfeeding to support the growth and health of the children. Both boys have also had a lot of respiratory infections so she provided some counseling on care and prevention of respiratory infections. Last week when we visited, Jessica had a young girl, Paula*, helping her. We learned that Paula was 13 and had finished her class 8 exams last year but was unable to start secondary school this term. One of the staff members shared the gospel with her and encouraged her to try to get into school. They also referred her to a youth skills training program in the meantime so she has something to occupy her time. Pray that Paula would come to know the Lord and also that she would be proactive in taking up the opportunity of skills training or getting back into school.

Sometimes when I start to stress about my own baby, what we need to do to prepare or how we will survive being new parents, I remember that these women are having their children in some of the harshest conditions. I have the opportunity to give birth at one of the best hospitals in Nairobi, we have a clean home and good food, and I have an education that has left me well-equipped to handle what parenthood brings. The two comments I often hear staff make on these visits are that babies (and people) are resilient and that God’s grace is sufficient. While our circumstances may be very different, we have this in common. When I worry, I am reminded of these two truths and encouraged that whatever happens He will see us through.

*Names changed for privacy.

Joy

Each year during the Christmas season I try to find one thing to meditate on. It is easy to be distracted by the commercialism, or to forget altogether that it is Christmastime (it’s a little hard to get into the Christmas spirit when it is hot and humid!). This year in an attempt to remember the reason for this holiday, I decided that we would light the advent candles each Sunday night. For a few minutes each week, it reminds us why we celebrate Christmas. It draws us back to the center. Back to Christ. Growing up, my family lit the advent candles each night during the Christmas season and I hope we can keep this tradition as we start our own family. It was through the advent readings God gave me that one thing to dwell on this Christmas season. Joy.

I came across this definition of Christian joy by John Piper. “Christian joy is a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.” At first, it was just a definition to use in teaching the teens class at church. But as I pondered it, I realized what a wonderful and practical definition of joy it is. Despite being my middle name, I have always struggled to grasp and to truly practice the Christian concept of joy. It is easy to get bogged down by everything that is going on in my life and around me and react accordingly.

There are two things that really catch me in this definition. The first is that joy is produced by the Holy Spirit. It seems like an obvious and simple truth. We learn this at an early age in the church as it is a fruit of the Spirit. But it is one thing to know a truth and another to practice it. I often strive to produce my own joy in life. I have a mindset that it is my responsibility to hold onto joy whatever is happening, and if I am not, then I am failing as a Christian. But if joy is a fruit of the Spirit, if it is produced by the Holy Spirit, then it is not my striving that produces joy. Rather, it is me being filled with the Spirit and in turn producing the fruit of joy. My job therefore goes from striving to have joy to striving to be filled with the Spirit, and those are very different things. One centers on doing, the other on being. Certainly, there is a response required on our part, but that is different from producing that emotion or feeling ourselves.

The second aspect of this definition I love is the last part. The Holy Spirit causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world. Wow. This feeling is not absent of what is going on around us. As Christians, I think sometimes that is how we see joy. We have joy in sufferings because somehow we can rise above what is going on around and within us. But here I see that joy comes IN those experiences in the world, not despite them.  The challenge is to have open eyes, to let the Holy Spirit show me beauty in the brokenness. Maybe it is a beautiful sunrise while stuck in traffic. The smile and laugh of a child in the midst of a difficult life. A kind word from a friend or stranger. These point us back to Christ and help us to have joy.  

One example of seeing the beauty of Christ in the word comes from one of the passages on joy. In Matthew 11:1-19, John the Baptist asks Jesus through a messenger, are you the one we have been waiting for? Imagine waiting all this time for someone and finally He arrives. What response is there but joy! The advent and Christmas season helps us remember this. We wait in expectation for the One to come who will bring our salvation. And He is here, what joy that brings!

My goal this year is to focus on being filled with joy. Not in the usual way of trying to be happy despite circumstances, but through a focus on being filled with the Spirit and seeing the beauty of Christ around me. What goals do you have for the new year? 

Quiet Time

Life in Nairobi can be hectic sometimes. Between the long commutes during the week and event filled weekends, it can be hard to find the time to just be. To sit and reflect, journal and pray. Yet it is just that set aside time that makes life here doable. One Sunday in November, I finally found some time to do just this and I am so thankful. Maybe my extreme tiredness at the end of that week was due to being at the end of my first trimester, but I think not taking the quiet time and not taking time to connect with God contributed to the tiredness. I felt so much lighter and more energetic afterwards.

I have always needed this time to myself, whether in my passport country or the most foreign of places. But I think it becomes even more important at times when the culture around me is so different. There is so much more to process and to retreat from for a time. But I find that here those cultural differences are not as wide, so I don’t always acknowledge and then prioritize the time I need. Yet, it is different, in many little ways. And those little differences build up if I don’t take the time to process.  So it’s time to start being more aware and setting aside the time for myself and for God.

I also realized that I have lived in so many different places away from my passport country that I am going to face these same cultural stressors and challenges when I move back there. Steve and I have been thinking and praying about making that move after he finishes school and when we have children. Now, both of those are happening next year. And, for some time now, I have just felt like I need a break from life here. But now that the decision is imminent, there are a lot of things I am afraid of. I am afraid of the political and racial climate, I am afraid of not adjusting well to “home”, I am afraid of finding employment, friends, healthcare, housing…the list can go on.

Right now, I don’t want to be there, nor do I want to be here. I don’t know where I want to be. And yet, we have to be somewhere. There’s a common Christianese phrase, I am not sure if it is attributable to any one person, that the safest place is in the center of God’s will. I find this phrase a bit trite. Sometimes the places that God brings us are not the safest, but we trust that despite all, He has his best in mind for us. As we make this decision, please pray that we would clearly see God’s will for our lives. The fears I have are valid, but it is time to start moving down new paths, one step at a time, and trust that whatever crazy path God leads us down will be His best for us whatever the circumstances. 

Brewing Love

October has been quite the month. I have enjoyed getting to meet a lot of the different community health staff and seeing how they do their jobs. I have truly been blessed by their servant hearts. Early on in this process I asked for you to pray for me to love this place and the people here. Some days, it’s a struggle. I drive through horrible traffic where everyone is just out for themselves. I hear the stories of the rampant corruption here – everyone out for themselves again. I see the results of this “for me and mine” attitude in the lives of the people I meet in Mathare each day. Instead of a growing love, sometimes I just can’t wait to get out of Kenya.

As I was praying about this attitude one Sunday, God reminded me of the beauty I see in the midst of all this. One part of that beauty is the staff of MOHI, who instead of being out for themselves, give of themselves each day, walking amongst the squalor of the slums to bring the light of Jesus. These are bright, good people who could be doing many other things, but instead, have a heart for Jesus and a heart for the people of Mathare. Getting to work and interact with these staff and see the love they have for others has encouraged me and helped my love to grow.

Walking one day, we came across an elderly woman. She stopped us to chat, and rather than move on quickly, the CHE trainer stayed. Instead of rushing on to our next home visit, she slowed down and took the time to encourage this woman, over 90 years of age with no family around and living in a small shack filled with old clothes and blankets. It reminded me that sometimes we need to forget our schedule, the next appointment, and engage with the person in our path. The old woman, Rebekah, loves Jesus, and I think she encouraged me as much as I hope we encouraged her.

Alcohol is a big problem here. One week we went each day to one of the centers where a medical camp was being conducted, walking by an area where they make the local brew. Even a young boy who couldn’t have been more than five was helping. The CHE trainers on multiple occasions have shown the gentle love of Jesus to those drunk with this local brew. One woman came to an antenatal training very drunk and pregnant. She walked in late and was loud, disrupting the group. Instead of asking her to leave and judging her choices, the CHE trainer asked her to sit quietly and said she would explain anything she didn’t understand afterwards. Changed lives comes when someone is willing, like Jesus, to sit and talk with us even when we are at our worst.

I have really enjoyed getting to see all the good work that is going on and meeting the amazing MOHI staff, but I am still not exactly sure how I fit into this whole thing. However, I am thankful that I have this opportunity to slow down, to see another side of Nairobi, and to learn how to love from the MOHI staff as they live out their Christian lives each and every day. I think each and every one of us has these people in our lives. The people who remind us what it means to be Jesus’ love in the world. Who is that person in your life? What can you learn this week from them?

On Tuesday I have a meeting to discuss what I have seen and learned and where I think I can plug in more. Please pray that this meeting would go well and that we can find a good fit for me. I will send an update after that meeting! 

A Month of New

This has been an exciting month and a half. I finished my contract in Malawi the first week of August and came back to Kenya. The first day back we signed the lease on our new apartment. We are so thankful for the place God has given us. Steve had been looking around and hadn’t yet found one that was in our price range and met both of our desires. He stumbled upon this apartment while out with an agent and it just so happened that someone was moving out at the end of the month. He saw one of the other apartments that was occupied and knew it was the one so he waited another couple weeks until there was a vacancy and then jumped on it. It was definitely God’s timing! I have been enjoying cooking and baking in my larger kitchen and we have hosted several groups already including friends, co-workers and our Bible study. 

Picture from our two days camping

August was a busy month at church with Vacation Bible School and a family fun day. Both went well and at the end of the month Steve had a week off so we could spend some time together before the busy end of the year comes. Unfortunately we both got sick the first few days. However we were still able to go camping for two nights and visit family for another two nights! Here are a couple pictures from the fun day and our travels.

Our Bible Study group - the Bereans

Now we are getting into full swing for the fall semester! Steve started classes last week. He is almost done, just two semesters left! This semester he is finishing up several general classes which he can do online as well as doing his ministry practicum. Pray that he will be able to balance his classes and work well this semester.

Last week, I started with Christian Missionary Fellowship International at Missions of Hope International. Over the next couple months, I have the opportunity to spend some time learning Swahili. I will be spending my mornings at Missions of Hope and afternoons in classes with two other missionaries. It has been difficult to just pick up Swahili, so I am glad for the opportunity for more formal learning.

So far, I have had one day of general orientation. Next week each morning I will get a chance to be oriented to different aspects of the programs, particularly the health programs. On Friday I will meet with the health director and the team leader to discuss where I can get plugged in. While I am really thankful for the opportunity I had in Malawi, I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to joining the good work happening at Missions of Hope. It will be quite different as the expat missionaries with CMFI are there to come alongside the national team at Missions of Hope. They do not come in to manage programs and lead. While it may challenge my western mindset of having clear deliverables and getting things done, I think it is what I need right now. I hope that it gives me the opportunity to move away from management and focus more on the technical aspects of health. Please pray that over the next week both I and the team would see a good fit for me. Pray that I will be able to come in and humbly listen, observe and learn.

Thank you for all your support in getting us where we are. We greatly value your support – emotional, prayer and financial. We are really close to the targeted budget for the 9 months at about 92%. That is less than a thousand dollars to go! Please consider giving a one time or monthly donation at this link to help us with that final stretch!

Kaleidoscope

This post is a difficult one to write. It has been percolating for a while, but I never know quite what to say. I started this post over a month ago when I was convicted about this issue. I realized that it is time to try to express these thoughts and feelings but they still feel inadequate at expressing the complexity.

Race. This is a hot topic these days. I sit from afar and watch the racial tension in the US and think about how complicated it is. I wonder whether I really want to move back there, to bring my black husband and future half black children into that world.

On the other side, I am the minority here. I dare not compare my experiences with minorities in the US, but what I do experience is being looked at through the lens of my race. And I don’t like it. I don’t like when people assume I have money because I am white. I don’t like not even being able to apply for a job because I am a foreigner. I don’t like the perception that life is easy because I am white.

Yet at the same time, I know that I am privileged. It is easy for me to stew about not being allowed to work in this country and then people looking at me like I have money to give them. But then I am convicted of the savings account I have back home. It is easy for me to complain about not being judged for a job purely for my qualifications, skills and experience. But then, I have had the privilege of growing up in a place where education was valued and available.

I again want to quote Marilyn Gardner’s Between Worlds. She says “I have realized as I’ve grown older the privilege that I have, not for any merit other than my skin color; my life has advantages that I did not earn, simply because I am white.” She says in a later essay that “…cultural humility demands self-evaluation and critique”… that it “…puts us on our knees, the best posture possible for learning.”

Even now as I watch the Olympics, these thoughts come up. I am proud to be American. I am cheering for the USA. But I think how privileged we are to have the facilities, the coaches, the time, the money. I know many athletes in the US still have overcome adversity to get where they are. But I can’t help think that overall, our athletes have quite the advantage. It is inspiring reading the stories of the refugee team, like the swimmers who pushed their sinking boat to rescue.

While national pride and racial pride are good, as Christians, we have a higher calling. Multiple times Paul says there is no Greek nor Jew, black nor white, man nor woman. We are equal in God’s sight. I don’t know how to solve all the deep seated racial and ethnic problems in the worlds around me, but there a few things that I have needed to be reminded of and maybe some of you do to.

1) We are all equal in God’s sight. Heaven will be a beautiful place full of diversity of color, tongues and expressions of worship. How I long for that day! Let’s celebrate that diversity now too!

2) But here on earth, there are vast inequalities. What privileges have I had because of my race, ethnicity, sex, nation of birth? Thank God for these, be humble and then look for ways you can use your privilege to stand up against those inequalities, whether it be in big or small ways.

I pray for you and I, for my home country and my new home country, that Christians would lead the way in celebrating diversity, building bridges and tackling the injustices. I pray that we would keep our eyes fixed above, on our heavenly home, where one day we will all worship the same God together in unity. Amen.

Amazing Grace

My faith story is not a story of an amazing grace conversion moment. Growing up in the church, I have always known about God, about Jesus. My faith story is instead a long, slow process of transformation. My head knows God’s grace is amazing, but it has not been a phrase that has really spoken to my heart.

A couple weeks I ago, I read a blog post about perfection. I wish I had saved it because I can’t find it again (if you are the one who posted it on facebook and you are reading this – please send me the link!). I chuckled a bit reading the blog, because I definitely have perfectionist tendencies.  Maybe the more honest evaluation is not that I have perfectionist tendencies, but that I am a perfectionist!

The gist of the blog was that being a perfectionist does not mean everything in your life is perfect, but that you think it should be. For me, it is greatly tied to control as well; if I am in control, things should go perfectly as planned. But the world is a messy place. I don’t have control. And even when I do have control, I am not perfect.

The difference between wanting everything to be perfect and it not being perfect leads to a tension. I have been forced to work through this tension during my time in Malawi. I knew coming in there would be a lot of things out of my control. I told myself I needed to let it go and just roll with it. Easy to say, but not so easy to do!

I often look back over decisions and events and think about all the things I should have done or said differently. Sometimes this is good; it leads to lessons learned and growth. Yet more often, it leads me to just beating myself up over it. But the truth is, I am not perfect, never will be. Only God is perfect and I have to trust that He is ON HIS THRONE AND IN CONTROL. That He is in control even when I am not, even when I am a mess, a colossal disaster!

I love when God speaks to me through music. I can’t sing for beans, just stand next to me in church some Sunday! But the funny thing is, God often uses music to speak to me anyways. Yesterday, the song “A Good Day” by Natalie Grant came on in the car. I have never heard it before, didn’t even know I had it!

“I’m gonna dance to the beat of amazing grace; Gonna hold to the promise that you made.”

At that moment, it struck me that God’s amazing grace isn’t just those big moments, but it’s the amazing grace that every day, no matter how much I might mess up, He is still in control and He still loves me. The song later says,

“Because you’re for me; You’ll be with me till the end.”

It doesn’t say if you do everything just right and don’t mess up, God is for you and will be with you. He is with you, in your imperfections, in your messy life. That is amazing grace! “If we are faithless, He is faithful!” 2 Timothy 2:13.

God has brought me to a deeper understanding of the phrase amazing grace, beyond the blinding light conversion image. It is amazing grace that helps me move forward each day and navigate this crazy thing called life. To know that when I fall down, it’s ok, His amazing grace picks me back up, dusts me off and sets me back on my way again. It is His amazing grace that means I don’t need to be perfect.

This week, consider the phrase amazing grace. What does it mean to you? Are there moments in your life that God has shown you His amazing grace? Here are a few more songs that I listened to today about Amazing Grace. Do you have any favorite amazing grace songs?

Amazing Grace (My chains are gone) – Chris Tomlin

Amazing Grace – Jars of Clay

Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace) – Hillsong Worship

Amazing Grace – Red Hot Chili Pipers